


Where we are

by RowboatCop



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: (Which would be gross for any person who wasn't canonically a manipulative serial killer), Canonical portrayal of Grant Ward, Coulson wants to protect Skye, Duh Doy, Gen, Grant Ward Is A Villain, May wants to protect Skye, Pre-second season head canon, Self-Harm, Simmons isn't HYDRA, Skepticism of someone's suicide attempts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-06
Updated: 2014-10-06
Packaged: 2018-02-20 02:43:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2412035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RowboatCop/pseuds/RowboatCop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Short little scenes that are part of my head-canon for pre-season 2.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Simmons and Coulson

“I _can’t_ do this again,” Simmons whispers, hands shaking as she sets the final suture in place. “I just...I _can’t_. We need someone else with medical expertise.”

“If I thought Agent Triplett could have handled it —”

“I know, sir.”

“I _am_ sorry, Simmons. We’re searching out new medical personnel as fast as we can, but so many of the sci-ops people turned. HYDRA has the better toys.”

Simmons nods once and frowns with disgust.

Handiwork finally done, she steps back from the operating table to look at the jagged cut that runs across Ward’s forehead. Even though he's unconscious, his hands are bound at the side of the table, and he’s also held in place with straps at his waist and feet at May’s insistence. The older woman is near certain that Ward is using these attempts as a way to escape or control the rest of the team, and Simmons is inclined to agree. The cuts on his wrists were just shallow enough that he was unlikely to bleed out before help came, and if there’s one thing Grant Ward knows, it’s which physical blows will cause injury and which will cause death.

(He’s might not be quite as good when the calculations involve trajectories and terminal velocities, but up close and personal he knows how to get the outcome he wants.)

Still, though, without eventual medical help, those cuts would have killed him. The headwound he’s now inflicted on himself would probably not have led to death, but it still needed treatment.

And what troubles Jemma, more than anything, is that both of these times she had to _force_ herself to work on him. She had to force herself to not let him die. It’s unpleasant to confront that about herself — that she would disregard the Hippocratic Oath so easily.

“ _Jemma_!”

Fitz calls for her from the other room, and her hands start to shake more.

“Fitz needs me,” she whispers, draws in a deep breath.

“Are you going to be okay?”

Director Coulson looks shaken up, too, and she hates being one more worry on his head.

She nods, but it’s clearly not convincing.

“Once we find another medic, and once you think Fitz can handle it…” Coulson pauses and shakes his head. “If you want it, I have a mission. It’s undercover, top secret. You’re the only one that could do it, but I’m not going to send you if you don’t want to go.”

She nods, once.

“I mean that,” he promises. “Fitz’s health is a priority, and if you think that —”

“It might be better for him if I was...gone. He’s leaning on me so much, and I’m worried it might be slowing his progress. He should be learning to rely on himself.”

“Does that mean you’d be interested?”

“ _Jemma!_ ”

“Could we please discuss this at a later date?”

“Of course.” Coulson nods, and his hand twitches at his side, like maybe he wants to give her a comforting pat on the arm. “No one expects you to be there for Fitz night and day. We would all be willing to help, more. You’re allowed to take a break.”

“I know.” She does know. “But I can’t… As long as I’m here, I can’t stand to hear him needing me.”

Coulson nods once, understanding.

“Whenever you’re ready to talk about this.”

She nods, and heads towards Fitz’s lab.


	2. Coulson and Ward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coulson visits Ward.

“I’ve decided that I’ll only talk to Skye.”

“Then you’re not going to have a chance to do much talking,” Coulson counters. “Just tell me what I need to know.”

“If you really want to know, you’ll send Skye.”

Coulson swallows from his seat on the chair.

“I’m not sending Skye down here.”

“You should at least tell her about my offer. I bet if you told her, she would volunteer to come.”

“Why would you think she would want to see you?”

“For you, of course. She’ll try to play the hero for you." Ward says it like an accusation, like a reminder that anything bad that happens to Skye will be Coulson's fault. "But once she talks to me, she'll see.”

Coulson’s jaw twitches, he’s clenching his teeth so hard. He tries to open his mouth, stretch the joint, and it pops audibly.

“And here I thought you’d be anxious to play nice, now that you’ve had time for self reflection.”

“Oh, make no mistake. I have found myself _Director Coulson_.” Ward always says the title like it's a joke, and Coulson doesn't blame him much. “I know _exactly_ what I am.”

The way he says it is chilling, and Coulson has to tense his shoulders to hold back a shudder.

“You could try to be something _better_. You can’t undo the damage and the death you’ve caused, but you could at least be better than you are.”

“No, _sir_. I can only be exactly what I am.”

“You’re not going to see another human face until you agree to talk. I know you have more intel about HYDRA.”

“And I’ll give it to you. When you give me Skye.”

Coulson stands up sharply so that the chair tips backwards. Even the intimation that Skye is a _pawn_ to him makes bile rise in his stomach; he swallows reflexively as he fumbles while searching for the button to cut off Ward behind a force field.

It takes too long, though.

“One day she’ll find out she’s just like me. One day she’ll see that she and I are the same.” He delivers the words with the wide-eyed earnest gaze of a zealot, and Coulson regrets housing this man in the same complex as Skye. He regrets housing this man on the same  _planet_ as Skye. 

Coulson finally hits the button, his hand shaking too much. His face feels hot, and right now he would like few things more than to step behind the force field and beat the shit out of Grant Ward. 

Once he’s back in his office, May and Koenig turn to look at him, both with distressed frowns.

“What does he know about Skye that we don’t?”

It's May that asks the question, but it reflects the worry on both of their faces.

“I don’t know,” Coulson answers honestly. “I think HYDRA might have more information about the op that discovered her than we do.”

“Does Skye know?” Koenig poses the question to the two of them. “That he might know something more? Is it... “

“Are you asking if he’ll be able to use that information as leverage over her?” Coulson runs a hand over his face. “Because he’ll try. But Skye is stronger than that. She has priorities.”

“And what happens to those priorities when she finds out that the Director of SHIELD is hiding things about her past from her?”

Coulson frowns at Koenig. He’s sort of unsettled by how close Koenig and Skye have gotten, can’t help but wonder how much access Skye really has to the digitized files and processes that run this base thanks to the relationship that has formed between them.

“Skye would _never_ do anything that would compromise this team,” May says, loudly and directly. “Like you said, she has priorities. And we all know that whatever Ward is talking about... Letting him get in her head, even letting her know that he's fixated on her, it would kill her.”

Coulson nods and drops his head.

He’s not sure that keeping it from her won’t kill her all the same.

  
  



	3. May and Coulson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> May and Coulson discuss Ward, Skye, and secrets.

“He’s trying to get to Skye.”

This argument has been happening for a week, ever since Ward had a change of heart and decided to talk. But only to Skye.

Coulson seems to be thinking about caving, and May is not pleased.

“I know,” he answers. “He thinks they’re connected somehow. That there’s something inside her that’s…evil, like he is. It’s textbook obsession.”

“When we captured him, the way he spoke to her was…disgusting. He talked about waking up something inside of her and taking what he wanted.”

Coulson’s hands ball into fists at his sides, and May feels bad for a moment. It’s been obvious from day one that Coulson’s reactions to Skye are strong, and she doesn’t mean to alarm him. But she’s also completely opposed to sending Skye down there, completely opposed to telling Skye anything about Ward, completely opposed to keeping Ward here at all. (Though when pressed, she can’t offer a better solution, at least as long as a bullet between the eyes is being discounted.)

“What am I supposed to do?”

It could sound angry. He could rightfully be angry, she supposes, since she’s insisting on shooting down possible courses of action and not suggesting better ones. Since all she’s doing is reminding him of the negative consequences he already knows.

Instead, though, he sounds defeated.

“I have to tell her something, May. I don’t want to ask her to go down there. I’ll do everything in my power to keep that from being necessary. But…”

“There might come a day when it will be the only option we have left.”

He nods.

“I don’t like it.”

“Neither do I.” He swallows. “I’m going to put her on the symbols.”

“No.”

“She could be helping —”

“No.”

“She’s the only person I can think of who might be able to figure out what they are. You know she could do it, May.”

“No.”

“May —”

“Phil, you know perfectly well that telling her more than she already knows is putting her at risk. She’s shown no negative effects from the drug, so far.”

“And you know we need her.”

May nods once, jaw set.

“Are you going to show her your handiwork, then?”

“No.” He seems alarmed by the prospect. “I’m not going to tell her what they are.”

May’s mouth curves into a deeper frown.

“I can’t support that, Phil. Bringing her in part way is only going to make things harder.”

“So you want to tell her everything? How is 'all or nothing' logical in a case like this one?”

“I would rather tell her everything than have to keep up layers of secrets again.”

“It’s the only way.”

“It’s not,” she corrects him.

“But it’s the call I’m making.”

May purses her lips in annoyance, thinks for a minute that she’ll yell at him. But then, she can’t force him to tell Skye everything. It’s not her call to make.

She nods, once.

“You have to take point on it, then. I don’t want to be involved in keeping more secrets for the Director of SHIELD.”

“About that…” He half laughs, a sad hollow sound. “The...the feeling. It’s worse when I’m around her.”

“You mean, you think the episodes are connected to her?”

“Possibly. I get...itchy. Like I can’t hold it in.”

“Because of the GH-325?”

“Maybe.”

“That could mean that being around you might make it happen to her, too.”

“Yeah.”

He frowns, and May shakes her head. Coulson has already been in avoidance mode, and it’s been hard on both Coulson and Skye (the man just cannot tell a lie to Skye’s face, and May has to admit that she’s starting to understand why). To have him even more sure that distance is necessary...it’s going to wreck the both of them.

“You have to protect her from me.”

“You’re not any danger to her.”

“Maybe.”

He swallows, and May isn’t really sure she wants to know what that means.

(She’s afraid she does know what that means.) 


End file.
